They show with brief hesitations when looking in the mirror and the days where the only embrace that I long for is that of a warm bed and a soft pillow in hopes that my dreams take me someplace … any place but here.

My confidant is a stack of 3 journals and we speak in the language of ink. In one journal there are scraps of songs and chords. The other is my own personal thoughts and feelings and the final was started almost two years ago as a means to tell someone how much I love them. I write in the third one more than the other two … the intended recipient will never read the contents.

Each day begins before daylight breaks and I wake to embrace it hoping it will throw its arms around me but lately it has not reciprocated my need. To compare it to a kiss, I wake to kiss the day but its lips stay still as if to say the affair is through.

And I have been here before … over 15 years ago … breathing in the toxins and believing those lips and grabbing for a hand that doesn’t want to be held. Sifting through my ash, I committed to be reckless and waited for the flame to rest upon my head.

Now, I writhe my hands around the narrow pillars of iron running ceiling to floor knowing there is something bigger and needing to be apart of it. My tiny world … my small problems … it doesn’t feel as though life was ever meant to be this way and yet it is.

This prison has no strong men or locked doors and I do not have to stay here but I am indeed shackled about my neck with a constant view of the floor and my stumbling feet. I wish to run if I only knew how. I wish to escape if I only knew where. I wish to love if I only knew who.

Strings beneath my fingers and wood beneath my thumb. I pray this hole for sound is a door that I know how to open and I would play for you and I would sing for you if you told me they were keys but I sit here … sifting through my ash again, scared to speak and terrified of listening.

And it is all very simple … I just want to be happy.

As the earth around me begins to hibernate, I find myself getting ready to ramp up. The recording of the very first TimidBlue EP shall begin. A collaborative project between artists and songwriters is getting ready to begin and my personal life is facing a few challenges as well.

This morning my thoughts turn to Alex. I met her over the summer while at a karaoke bar. She was there with her fellow Au Pairs to sing a song or two. Me? I was there to drown my sorrows in a pitcher of beer or two.

My life had been a bit hellish at the time. With physical ailments and heartbreak weighing on me there was a need for either a release or a numbing. Otani Karaoke Bar provided me with just that.

On the night that I met Alex, I had been sitting at the bar and had more than my share. A friend pointed out that they were all from Germany and that someone should talk to them. In my infinite wisdom, I decided to talk about the World Cup.

” Hey Germany, good job at the World Cup!”

Of course this wasn’t going to be received well considering they had been knocked out and favored and the words ” Fuck You!” followed shortly thereafter. Of course they pointed out that they did better than the U.S. but I pointed out that we exceeded expectations and that Germany did not.

Meike, the outspoken one of the bunch, told us that she was done with Ohio and that she was leaving to go to California. I may have responded with a smart ass remark and before long we were all chatting and having a great time and on our way to a strip club.

Seeing as how the German ladies were too “decent” or white, we were not allowed to enter but numbers and facebook pages were exchanged and the excitement of that night would live on through facebook comments and text messages and karaoke nights.

My bond tightened with Alex and Tine’. They would go on to introduce me to Paulo who is another German Au Pair who is learning to play guitar.

All three are amazingly nice. Paulo has a quick wit and you can tell he is a bit devious but in a good way. Tine’ is a singer at heart but is tremendously bashful when in front of a crowd. Alex is a sweetheart with a good head on her shoulders and calls it like it is. Alex also took some time to teach me a few German words, none of which I can really use to engage in any sort of conversation but they certainly are fun to say. =) “Geile Scheisse!”

Last night I had to say goodbye to Alex. She would be returning to Germany and it was all I could do to hold back the tears. Here is a woman that I enjoyed talking to and could always bring a smile out of me and I can’t say I understand how she did it but she did.

Perhaps the saddest part of the evening is knowing that she didn’t want to leave. She was packing and leaving her life behind. It was not the life that someone had chosen for her but it was hers and built upon her decisions. She was dreading her return to Germany and wishing she could find a way to stay here.

She tasted the life that she wanted and would have to forfeit it.  Seeing the sadness in her eyes was breaking me. If there was anything within my power to keep her here, I would have gladly done it. But my motives aren’t entirely selfless. I don’t want to let her go.

Our final embrace took place at the the doors of my second job. To take my mind off of what was happening, I immediately went back to work. I didn’t want to watch her walk past the windows and walk away but I couldn’t resist. So, while unraveling the vacuum power cord I look up to see her in the window and waving, an image that will forever be in my head.

There she stood with her blonde hair, wearing her black sweater, turquoise shirt and blue jeans. This was goodbye and I hate goodbyes. I have had to say goodbye entirely too much in the past several years and it never gets easier.

Her plane leaves in 10 minutes. On this chilly October morning she will find her way back to her country of origin. I will find a way to stay in contact. Actually, I have to . I have made a few promises that I aim to keep. After all she is the reason the song “Adele” is making it’s way onto the EP and she told me that I have to send her a copy.

And now I find myself smiling and she isn’t even here. That’s just the kind of person she is.

The past few months have been most eventful. Most of the happenings have been captured in a brown leather journal with a magnetic clasp. In times like these I find it best to write. In a way, it helps sort everything out and believe me there is plenty to sort out.

Going back to March, I found myself clocking out on a Saturday evening and heading home to have dinner and to feed the dog. I started grilling a piece of chicken and the pup had started in on her bowl of kibble when I felt this sharp pain shoot through my left arm. Not knowing what to do, I sat down on the edge of the bed grasping my bicep.

Keeping the arm tucked in to my side, I walked out to the kitchen. I grabbed the chicken off the grill, cut it up and began to eat. My arm felt like it was broken and before long I began to feel dizzy.

Understanding the potential severity of the situation, I called my girlfriend and told her that I would have to cancel our plans. I was then off to the car to drive myself to the hospital.

Upon walking in, I approached the desk and informed the receptionist that I was having sharp pain in my arm and that I was feeling amazingly dizzy. They asked if there was a history of heart problems in my family and unfortunately there is. Before long I was having an EKG done and having blood taken.

Soon thereafter my girlfriend walked in. She kept my mother posted of any and all happenings. She was also a wonderful support for myself.

Throughout a majority of the evening wires would be hooked up to my chest, blood would be taken again and I would have to attempt to calm down family members. Those people around me were more worried than I.

At 3am I was discharged from the hospital with an abnormality in my blood. It was centered around something called TSH.

Upon arriving home, I would go to bed and the next day would be all about packing my clothes and getting ready to go to Seattle.  The girlfriend and I would be off to visit some of her friends and take in any sites that we possibly could.

When finally we landed, I received a phone call from my brother. He wanted to inform me that Gameworks had shut down. Gameworks was a job that I had for 10 years. The people are near and dear to me and I was going to miss them.

Here I was on vacation and unable to shake this sadness. What would I do with my Saturdays? Will I ever get to see all of these people again? Are all of them going to be able to find jobs?

The trip came to a close and we headed back home. I attended the final Gameworks party and now it would be time to schedule some doctor appointments to figure out what was going on with my body and my blood.

The first course of action was to do an ultrasound of my thyroid. There was a need to see if perhaps there were any growths which could be an indication of thyroid cancer. Thankfully everything came up negative but I will have to do one ultrasound a year for the rest of my life.

In the middle of this , there was some blood work done. My TSH number was high. This indicates an underactive thyroid. It also started to explain why I was always feeling tired or unable to lose any kind of weight.

I was prescribed a pill. Every morning at 6am I wake up to take it. My stomach must be empty and I can’t eat for an hour afterwards but honestly, if this is all I have to do … it’s not so bad.

Over the next month, things got a lot harder.

My girlfriend and I were becoming increasingly distant. Upon returning from Seattle she informed me that she felt like she might be settling by being with me. Of course we try to talk things out but this isn’t an easy recovery and I know what is coming.

Despite being aware of the impending break-up, there really is nothing I can do. She has to sort this out for herself and indeed she did. At the start of May, it all came to an end.

Over the following few weeks, I made it a point to drink. I know that isn’t the healthiest decision but it kept me busy and it numbed me a bit. Also, during this time something peculiar began to happen. My body began to feel a bit different.

Aches and pains began to disappear. The desire to sit on a couch began to disappear. There was an amazing energy in me. It was like coming back to life.

During the drinking and the sulking, something else was happening. Music.

Work with the band continued. Noah and myself started hammering out musical details to about 7 songs and had the chance to play them for a live streaming webcast. I also had the opportunity to visit Nashville, TN on business. While there , I played out wherever I could and met some great people and made some wonderful contacts.

A lush sound was forming. It made me unbelievably excited. I was dreaming again. This was evident by some of the band practices. Periodically when Noah and I are playing through a song, we will play the last note and remain silent. I will ask Noah, ” What do you think ? “.

He replies ” It’s good. You?”

“It’s good.”  is my response.

While looking at Noah I will say , ” I think we have something here, what do you think?”

Noah comes back with a single word. “Yep.”

That word brings hope and excitement. Here is someone that has the same dream I do and  believes in it. It is nice to not be alone.

During the break-up talk with the girlfriend, she accused me of making music my priority in life. In truth, I never put music above her. Music is different for me. It is a comfort and it is a retreat. It is a dream and it is a counselor.

There is this verse in the Bible. It comes out of 1 Corinthians 10. “No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it.”

For me, music is that.  It is a way to stand up under the pressures of this world and it is the ability to resist that temptation of giving up and giving in. It is a gift.

I am convinced that I am not the only person that does this. Some people have gardening as a retreat or perhaps they are a runner or a writer or a painter.

I have faced my own mortality. I lost one of my jobs. The girl I thought I was going to marry is no longer in my life but in my line of site is a gift that is propped up against my dresser and I am thankful and just happy to be alive .

The managers informed us that we were one of the top call centers for the company. They reminded us of our victories and how impressed they all were with our performance. So much acclaim was given and yet we had to wait for the dreaded word “but”.

The word did indeed come. Following the word they informed us that operations for the call center would be cheaper if they would move elsewhere. We were told that the call center would be moved to West Virginia and if we wanted to stay with the company and move , we could. For those of us that would not be moving , they were going to have various employers come in to meet with us.

At the time I only worked with Ticketmaster one day a week, Saturday. I did however have another job at Bank One in their national payroll department doing Time Capture.

The job at Bank One paid ok and I had great benefits. I had my own desk, my own extension and my own computer. The morning was spent saying hello to everyone and then it was off to sort paperwork, do data entry or check over pay reports.

Around the same time that I was informed that Ticketmaster would be closing, I received my review from Bank One. It was given to me on a Friday afternoon , knowing that I wasn’t going to appreciate what was said.

They told me that my accuracy in my work was high. I was informed that I always get my work done on time or early. When given special projects, I usually exceed expectations. They also felt like I could be doing more and that they didn’t like my attitude which I told them I simply acted like everyone else. They gave me a raise … it was the equivalent of a slap to the face. I left that day angered.

All weekend I stewed. I was losing the one job that I loved and my full-time job just told me that I meet or exceed expectations but that they think I should be doing more. I turned to the newspaper for help.

On a Sunday afternoon I began to browse the classifieds and found an ad for a place called Gameworks. The concept itself sounded like a fun place to work. Of course anything would be better than working in a cubicle monday through friday doing payroll for a large corporation.

I made a phone call to the number listed. Evidently their hiring was taking place at a trailer set up around Easton Town Center. I put together my resume’ and pressed my shirt and pants and laid out a tie for the following morning.

When that morning came, I called in sick to Bank One. If you were to ask my supervisor, she knew that something was wrong. It was a rarity that I would ever call in sick or even take a vacation day. She knew that my review pushed my buttons.

I shaved, showered and got dressed. All the way to the hiring trailer, I was nervous. Interviews terrify me, but I made it and handed my resume’ over and they were very interested in a specific aspect of it. It was my experience as a radio DJ.

I was handed an application by a rather large Italian man , I believe his name was Rich. After filling it out I talked with an Iranian man by the name of Farhang. He told me of a position called ” Play Jockey” . They wanted me to play games with people and make announcements on their PA system. A job like that was too good to be true. Then they told me the pay.

The pay was significantly less than what I was making at Bank One. I even informed him of it and began to stand up to leave. He quickly put his hand on my shoulder and sat me back down. He made a second offer that was only slightly less than my pay at Bank One. I took his right hand in mine and we shook on it.

From there , they handed me a packet of information. They told me of the training schedule and when they expected the place to open. To say that I was excited would be an understatement.

On the drive home I was already figuring out how to turn in my two weeks notice to Bank One. Upon stepping into my front door, I went to the computer, wrote the letter and then felt nervous the rest of the night. I could barely sleep.

Armed with three copies of the letter I walked into Bank One the very next day. One was handed to my manager, another to the supervisor and the last one was given to my unit leader. A relief came over me when I realized that my days at Bank One were numbered and at the same time I was nervous about this placed called Gameworks. What kind of establishment would this be?

Training soon began. It was held on the south side of Columbus in a warehouse. Upon walking in I noticed a few people from the trailer hiring session and also a few arcade games were there. I also noticed this unbelievably attractive girl in blue jeans and a light blue shirt. She had blonde hair and one of the prettiest faces I have ever seen. I would find out later that her name was Tara.

Interestingly enough, that first training session was all about sexual harassment.

The training continued with games and quizzes and sketches being performed by other trainers from various locations. We had homework and it was probably the most exhaustive training I have ever been apart of.

I would watch as the bartenders were practicing mixing. Party hosts were practicing carrying loaded trays up and down the stairs and the game floor was being trained on the three attractions: Max Flight, Vertical Reality and Indy 500. One of the trainers, Brian, summed up everything with a singular sentiment “Don’t Fuck Up” .

Finally, the play jockey training began. We were being trained on the AV system and the lights while working with the camera and the various challenge buttons. We weren’t just DJs. We were supposed to be showmen. We were showmen with some pretty nifty gadgets: A routable video camera, a touch screen handheld for audio and video needs and a wireless microphone.

The day came when we were all given the microphone. A few of my fellow play jockeys were rather shy and others gladly accepted the challenge, like the lovely Jacquie. When it came my turn , I wanted it to be memorable so, I said the following, ” Welcome to Gameworks Columbus, 36,000 square feet of pulse pounding electronic action. Enough to rattle anyone’s genitalia.” Very quickly the trainer took the microphone from me and said that I needed to reel it back in a little bit. A few of the other managers joked about having to censor one of the play jockeys. It even earned me the “Potty Mouth Award”.

Later in the week a few managers wanted to know which of us had to be censored. I was pointed out and one of them told me that it was the ones that go too far that always do the best. That made me smile. Another manager told me that the best play jockeys don’t just entertain the guests but involve the crew as well. I took that to heart.

So training commenced and eventually the doors opened. It appeared as though we were a success. The business was booming and my life was about to get wilder.

I began talking to a girl by the name of Jenna. She had such a pretty face and amazing brown eyes. She worked at Gameworks as well, in the “Redemption” area. This was the place where you would play skee ball , win tickets and then redeem them for prizes.

Now, when I started at Gameworks I was a rather innocent individual. Rarely would I drink. I was a virgin and tended to stay out of trouble. All of that was about to change.

Gameworks Columbus opened in 1999 when I was 22. The following September 8th I would turn 23. I spent that evening with Jenna at Gameworks. We decided to visit our friends/co-workers and have a few drinks. It was also on that night that I lost my virginity. I couldn’t have asked for a better first than her. She was beautiful and sweet and understanding and after that night we continued to enjoy one another’s company and bodies. I even wrote a song about her called ‘Waiting On You’ . It was about a pregnancy scare that we had.

Eventually things fizzled out with Jenna and myself. My position in Gameworks changed and I became the night accountant or book keeper.

Every night I would count drawers and balance the safe. Dealing with that much money can stress anyone out. Whenever I got off of work I would go to Lifetime Fitness next door and work out for about 2 or 3 hours and then head home and go to bed.

It was during this time that I took notice of another girl. She also worked at Gameworks. Her name was Amanda and she could make me laugh like none other. She was such a bright spot in my day.

Over time I got enough nerve to ask her out. Not sure if it was a date but I was nervous as if it were. We had dinner. Another time went to see U2 in concert. We painted coffee mugs for one another and I was in love. There was this swelling within me and I couldn’t control it. There was a Def Leppard song that said it all for me, ‘Have You Ever Needed Someone So Bad’. Oh yeah, I was feeling it.

In all this time, we never held hands. We never kissed and I should have seen the signs but I was too enamored to notice. Eventually she told me that she wanted nothing more than friendship. I broke inside.

It was that night that I went home and began songwriting. The song about Jenna was written several years after this night. On this night I sat down and began writing my first songs. It was as if the pain cracked open a part of me and the music began to flow. My first song would be called ‘Walk Away’. My second was written just a few days later. It was called ‘Enough’. Both songs were about her but perhaps the best song about her is called ‘I Fall’.

It would be several years before I could ever truly move on, but I will never regret letting myself fall that hard.

Eventually I turned in my two weeks notice to Gameworks. Another job was offered and I intended to take it. It wouldn’t be long ( a month or tw0 )before I re-applied and was back in the saddle again working various nights and weekends. When I did return , it felt like going home.

My return had me walking into the midst of a new promotion called ‘Flashback Fridays’. We had our very own version of the gong show and there was karaoke and various competitions. During this promotion the unthinkable happened, September 11th, 2001. Any collective innocence this nation had was stripped away and you could feel it at work.

The Friday following 9/11, we went on with the show. Farhang was told to hide in the office. We were to conduct the show as usual but it was evident that business was anything but the usual and then one of the most beautiful moments of my life occurred.

Andrea, the host of Flashback Friday, turned on the house microphone and began to sing the National Anthem. Tears began to well up in my eyes. I was sad and I was hopeful all at the same time and upon her finishing, our guests cheered and you could feel a weight being lifted.

The Flashback Friday promotion eventually ended and a series of different promotions would take it’s place. One time Games and Attractions manager, John, would be promoted to General Manager , Gameworks would declare bankruptcy and then Sega eventually was purchased by Sammy. Perhaps it was a merger … honestly I don’t remember.

My other job was keeping me busy and I scaled back my hours at Gameworks to two days a week with the occasional mid-week shift to help out with any staffing concerns.

Several friends recommended that I leave the job altogether. They always wondered if the money was so good that I couldn’t leave. Don’t get me wrong, the money helped but it was more than that.

The people there were amazing. I would go on to make friends with Esther and Leroy. Both of them met at Gameworks  and were eventually married. I even performed the wedding ceremony. Today they are still married with a son.

Richard would be another great friend of mine. He met Katie at Gameworks. They were eventually married as well. And like Esther and Leroy, I performed their wedding ceremony.

Matt and Brendan were both co-workers of mine at Gameworks and became good friends of mine as well. We eventually became roommates. These two gentlemen continue to be great friends and I trust them completely and totally and would do anything for either of them.

Brad was another great friend from Gameworks. We would take little breaks on the dock and talk philosophy and religion. To this day I still enjoy a good chat with this man.

The above is only a handful of names. Believe me when I say there are so many more that have touched me. If you aren’t mentioned, please don’t take offense. =)

It wasn’t just about the co-workers though. There were some amazing guests as well that I grew to care about. The ones that stick out are Patricia and Gerard.

They were an older African-American couple that would come in on a regular basis and I would always make a point to say hello. I would even buy them some extra games of pinball and make certain that Gerard could watch whatever game he wanted on the television.

Occasionally my co-workers would ask about this couple because I would always stop and talk to them. I told them that they were my mom and dad. I would even introduce them as such. It puzzled my co-workers because I definitely look nothing like Patricia and Gerard. The best part is that both Patricia and Gerard would always go along with the joke.

Just recently Gerard passed away. Patricia stopped in to tell me the news. In the middle of the gamefloor I stopped what I was doing and gave her a hug and it was all I could do to fight off the tears. I miss seeing that man’s smiling face.

Sometimes while providing guest service, I made friends. To quote the movie The Peaceful Warrior  , ” There’s no greater purpose than service to others.” I always believed those words to be true.

Offering good service to Patricia and Gerard brought about a connection. It was my hope to always continue that type of service. So, I joked and played with every guest realizing that this might be the only time all month that they get the chance to go out and have a good time and that I could either make or break it.

Friends outside of Gameworks continued to insist on me leaving that job behind. Those suggestions became more frequent  just a week ago when I found myself in the emergency room.

After getting off of work I headed home and upon entering my front door and pain began to shoot through my arm. I became dizzy and started to sweat. Realizing that I have drawn the short straw when it comes to genetics I treated these signs very seriously. A few minutes later I was walking into an emergency room and getting hooked up to an EKG.

They took me back to a bed where they took my blood pressure, my blood and performed another EKG. With my girlfriend by my side, she suggested that I leave Gameworks behind.

With wires hanging off my chest and an IV in my arm, I turned to her. I told her that everyone thinks that that job is stressing me out when in actuality I LOVE it. I love the people and the place and I look forward to clocking in every Saturday that I am scheduled.

She looked at me and asked if there was any way that I could quit my day job and do just Gameworks. I knew the answer was no. The money just wasn’t there.

At 3AM the doctor released me from the hospital and I was off to pack for my vacation the following week. Early Monday morning I would be jumping on a plane and heading to Seattle.

When I finally arrived, I turned on my cell phone. My brother called me and told me that Gameworks had been closed. Thinking that it was an early April Fool’s joke , I began to research via Google and Facebook. Indeed this was no prank.

On Monday morning fellow co-workers had shown up for their shifts to discover a sign. The sign informed them that the location had been forced to close. No phone calls were made. No one was ever made aware prior to the closing. It was simply over.

A “Farewell Gameworks” party was organized and would commence on the following Friday. I had every intention of attending. My plane would land at 10:30 and I would make a mad dash to meet everyone.

Across from Gameworks is The Funnybone, a very popular afterwork hangout. I landed and sent a few text messages and found out that everyone was having a few drinks there. I arrived as quickly as four wheels and two legs would allow.

The bar was a mixture of current and ex employees. I was greeted with smiles and hugs and people were snapping pictures and very quickly I was reminded of  ’La Vie Boheme’ from the musical RENT.

“Dearly beloved we gather here to say our goodbyes … “

There we all were across from that empty building that bound us all together.

Still looking as beautiful as the first time I met her was Tara. Both her and I were the last of the crew members that opened this location. We had seen it all the way through to the end and now we would be forced to move on. It was so hard not to cry when I hugged her.

Quickly I made my way through the group that had gathered in hopes to talk to John, the GM. I can’t say that he and I have always seen eye to eye but a part of me is going to miss him. It meant a lot to me to see him gathering with everyone else.

He is the type of person that doesn’t hand out praise liberally. So, if he says something nice then you know you have done something right. On this night he had nothing but good things to say. I was appreciative and touched. He also told me to meet him on Monday ( tomorrow ) to collect my final check. I am looking forward to seeing him.

Feeling the fatigue of my trip over take me, it was time for me to leave the bar and head home. I strolled by the front doors of the Gameworks building to read the sign.  Placing my hands around my eyes, I looked into the building that had now gone dark and felt a sadness overtake me. It is truly the end of an era.

I will miss everyone so much and I wont know what to do with a free Saturday but all good things …

Now leaving Gameworks, 36,000 square feet of pulse pounding electronic action.

www.myspace.com/timidblue

In recent weeks life has had it’s share of ups and downs. On the upside of life there has been my girlfriend finishing her Masters degree. On the downside we have been trying desperately to get our schedules in sync and that has not always been the easiest of tasks.  

Often times my work schedule can be rather heavy and that can take it’s toll on any relationship but we are working through it all. What it all boils down to is us trying to make more time for each other, not out of obligation but rather out of desire and we should all be so lucky to have such “problems”.

Another aspect that can take it’s toll on a relationship … or any relationship that I have been in is when a singer/songwriter hits a creative stride.

A few weeks ago I attended a fantastic show. It was the Ten out of Tenn tour. In the few weeks following I felt inspired. Music was exciting again and I didn’t realize how exciting it was. 

At first I started working on one new song and then a second, a third, a fourth until I realized that the number of new songs was nine. It is one thing to start a song but then I started finishing them. One even got a rough draft recording while I worked out the lyrics for a few others. 

There have been mornings where I feel that I can’t leave the house until I play through a certain song a few times and there have been nights where I get out of bed at 2am or 3am and feel the need to work on something new. The inspiration is there and I am trying to let it take me wherever it will. Believe it or not, there is a downside.

Cat ( my girlfriend ) would most likely tell you that I start to act a bit differently in times like these. I am a bit more withdrawn. My mind is all over the place and she knows something is on my mind but it is hard for her to know what it is. Unknowingly I am sending out the wrong signals.

So, I have realized  that it is best to inform when I have started writing again. This way she knows that my mind has entered that creative space. I have also realized that it is best to schedule days to work on music and writing and recording. And perhaps the most important lesson is to inform her when a song is not about her.

If you venture over to my American Songspace page, you could hear a new rough draft recording. Excited about the song, I let her listen to it. She got upset and thought I was breaking up with her. NOT GOOD AT ALL!

Let’s just say that the song is not nice. LOL But after some kissing, hugging and cuddling all was well. If you want to listen to the song, it is called ‘What Do You Want From Me?’ It is on American Songspace and you can listen to it by clicking HERE !

It is nice to be writing again. It feels great to be creating something again. It feels wonderful to be inspired again. Just need to figure how to keep my feet on the ground while my head is in the clouds.

Creativity is a drug like no other and I am trying to avoid an intervention.

Inspiration is needed if my rocky love affair is to continue. Sometimes that inspiration can come from a beautiful day, a person or even a cup of coffee. Of recent that inspiration has come from 10 people and each and every one of them is from Tennessee.

On October 3rd, I clocked out of my second job and went home. The day had been exhausting . I dealt with children and was on my feet all day and I really just needed to get home and take a shower and eat something.

Upon entering my place, I greeted my dog and my girlfriend. Cat ( the girlfriend ) had already started dinner and I immediately went to the shower. The smell of onions and potatoes filled the air and the hot water spraying on my back was absolutely heavenly.

Exiting the shower, I got myself ready for the nights festivities. It would first be a dinner at home and then off to a concert at the A&R music bar.

We left my place around 7:30 PM and arrived at the corner of Neil Ave. and Nationwide Blvd. shortly before 8:00 PM. I was feeling comfortable in my slippers , hoody and Green Lantern T-Shirt. Cat was wearing her new skinny jeans that she purchased earlier in the day. ( they looked goooood!)

Entering into the venue, we thought that we must have been early. There was barely anyone there. So, we took the opportunity to peruse the merch table and talk to the ladies that were working it.

They told us about a worthwhile cause called Mocha Club. They focus on 5 major areas of need in Africa: Clean Water, Education, Child Mothers + Women At Risk, Orphan Care + Vulnerable Children, and HIV/AIDS + Healthcare. Their name comes from the idea that for the price of 2 mochas a month, you could make a difference in Africa.

For more information on the Mocha Club, visit http://www.mochaclub.org .

After our visit, we found a table. We sat for close to an hour before the show began. Cat was sipping on a Coke and I was having a PBR.

A rustling began on the stage and it was evident that the show was about to begin. Unfortunately there were really very few people in the venue, but the music began nonetheless .

First up was Andrew Belle. He performed a song called ‘Static Waves’ . It was catchy and I mean very catchy. So catchy that I had it stuck in my head for days.

There was this wall of amazing sound coming from the stage and it became very easy to forget about the hard rock act that was playing in the venue beneath us. I was in awe . I was amazed and in an instant I was drawn in and awake and enjoying every second of it.

Upon reaching the end of Andrew’s song, another performer took the stage. I wish I could tell you that I remembered who it was, but I do not. It might have been any one of the other 9 artists. ( I can’t forget Will Sayles. He played percussion for every single act that night and did an amazing job. )

Madi Diaz may have been the next to go. She had a terrific voice and wonderfully catchy songs. While she was playing, I leaned over to Cat and said, ” you like this song don’t you?” and indeed she did. I liked it as well. She continued the streak of great music.

Kyle Andrews may have been next, though I think I am incorrect. Kyle was like a very happy version of the Postal Service but at the same time different. On days when the sun is shining and I want to maintain my happy mood, I will put his song ‘Sushi’ on repeat.

I think Joy Williams was early on in the set. Watching her sing just puts you in a good mood. She smiles the entire time. There is no doubt in my mind that she loves what she does. Whether she was at the front of the stage or singing back-up, she looked so content. Her name suits her.

Now I know I am getting the order all wrong so I am just going to tell you about the rest of them.

Sarah Siskind had such a unique and wonderful voice. Her song “Lovin’s for Fools” was both sad and lovely. She was definitely a woman that understood the craft of songwriting and executed it well. I have a huge amount of respect for her work.

Ashley Monroe has the classic country voice. She was also quite interactive with the audience that night. Typically I am not a fan of country but she won me over with her song ‘Has Anybody Ever Told You’. It is the type of song that makes you want to grab ahold of your significant other and dance. Every time I listen to it I get a bit misty eyed and think of my girlfriend.

Jedd Hughes … to say this man is a guitar player wouldn’t do his talent justice. This man wields an AXE. He was amazing on the guitar from beginning of the show to the end and his song ‘I Only Ever Tried’ has this amazing feel to it. For a moment I thought he might have been inspired by the Beatles. I had the chance to listen to it with headphones on and then had to repeat it a few times over. Something about it just grabs you.

K.S. Rhoads has quite the unique styling. He looks like a man displaced in time and his music is a mixture of singer/songwriter and hip hop and … well … I wont try to describe it. Just know that his songs are great. His energy is infectious and his stage presence is electric. Everyone should purchase his music, but you need to see him perform it live. Just trust me.

Mikky Ekko … um … Joy introduced him from the stage. She told the audience that they weren’t ready for what was about the come out of the sound system and she was right. At one moment you think you are listening to Robert Plant and the next you think it is Jeff Buckley or maybe even Michael Jackson and it could be Nina Simone and then you realize it is none of these … this is Mikky Ekko. Stellar voice and he seems to be leaving his body when he sings. This is another talent that you must see live.

Last and certainly not least is Trent Dabbs. I first heard Trent on American Songspace ( a site for music artists and industry types ). Quickly, I became a fan. His song ‘The Water’ is beautiful … actually all of his songs are amazing.  He was my reason for attending this show and I am so indebted to him for being able to hear all of these fabulous artists.

The show ended with the crowd gathering around the performers and singing Bob Marley’s ‘Three Little Birds’. This made the night magical and you realized that not a single one of these people needed any sustain or sound system to help them sound good. They were all very very talented. It was like singing along at a summer camp. It was such a high note on the night.

Throughout the whole show, not a single song or performer was bad. They all amazed me. They were so good that we purchased all of their CDs. They are loaded onto both Cat’s and my MP3 players and they are all I have been listening to since October 3rd.

Upon arriving home after the show, I double checked their tour dates. It appeared that they would be in Cincy just a few days later , on the 6th of October. For the next day or  so I struggled with the idea of going. Should I? Shouldn’t I?

I came to a conclusion. It isn’t often that you get to see a show this good and I may never be able to see all of them play together again. So, on the morning of the 6th I purchased my ticket. After work I went home to feed the dog and changed clothes and I was off to Cincy to see them do it all over again and it was just as amazing the second time.

After the first show, I had a chance to talk to Ashley Monroe, Madi Diaz and Andrew Belle. At the conclusion of this show I had to chat with Andrew and Madi again and I had the opportunity to have a conversation with Mikky. All of them were so genuine and just sweet people and Mikky gives a good hug.

If you are reading this and you want to hear a little bit of everyone, check out the following link. http://www.amazon.com/Ten-Out-Tenn-Vol-3/dp/B002N8OQKW

You can also find out more about the 10 out of Tenn tour by visiting http://www.10outoftenn.com .

http://www.myspace.com/kyleandrews

http://www.myspace.com/madidiaz

http://www.myspace.com/andrewbelle

http://www.myspace.com/mikkyekko

http://www.myspace.com/trentdabbs

http://www.myspace.com/jeddhughes

http://www.myspace.com/ksrhoads

http://www.myspace.com/ashleymonroemusic

http://www.myspace.com/sarahsiskind

http://www.myspace.com/joywilliamsmusic

Shortly after 6AM I packed up the car. Compact Discs were stacked on the passenger seat. My guitar was laying in the back and my bag complete with journals, pens and pain killers laid on the floor.

Pulling from the driveway, I turned on the headlights with my heart set on morning coffee. To Starbucks I went and ordered a Venti White Chocolate Mocha. I was the only person in the shop at the time and it was quite a welcome departure from the typical crowding in the morning.

Turning right out of the Starbucks’ parking lot, I followed 23 north to 53. Ultimately this would lead me to Port Clinton one more time but it was the time between the here and there that was needed.

My mind wandered as I cycled through my stack of Compact Discs. The morning began with Rachael Yamagata’s latest, specifically the song ‘Duet’. She is accompanied by Ray LaMontagne and the combination of both of their voices is beautiful. 

Out with Rachael and in went Mark Olson and Gary Louris. Their album, ‘Ready for the Flood’, is exceptional. ‘Bicycle’ is a song that I will repeat once or twice and another favorite is ‘Life’s Warm Sheets’. 

With farmland as a backdrop , I listened to The Fleet Foxes. The album played from start to finish and made a wonderful soundtrack for the drive.  Personal favorites from the album are ‘White Winter Hymnal’, ‘Ragged Wood’, ‘Quiet Houses’ and ‘Oliver James’.

Before long there was water. Taking a right hand turn , I drove along the coast of Lake Erie. A few clouds hung in the sky and the sun peeked it’s way through. My car found a park and it would be time for me to stretch. 

Two journals in hand and a pen in pocket , I walked to a park bench. My eye lids closed and I breathed deep. For a moment I listened to the tone of the water hitting the rocky shore. It’s deep tone could put me to sleep.

My head tilted down to the journal now laying on my lap. Opening it, I continued from where I left off and read the brightly colored words that were written to me. 

The journal was a birthday present from my girlfriend , Cat. It chronicled much of our past 6 months together. There were words of love and talk of our wedding and some of her innermost thoughts. No doubt the entirety of the journal embodied everything that she is: Bright , Colorful, Encouraging. Indeed I love her.

Pulling out my own journal , I only had a page of text in me. Really it was more a prayer than a journal entry. 

There is this desire within me for more. I don’t believe that I am alone in wishing that I was more than I am. Hasn’t everyone had this desire, the desire to play a bigger game. ( I don’t condone playing games with people. The game is just putting more on the line, gambling big and taking risks in hope that something wonderful might happen.)

My journal entry came to a close with the period of my final paragraph being the “amen”. My eyes gazed upon the water and the clouds and the shoreline knowing that I would have to leave soon and my soul would go kicking and screaming back to the car. 

Tension began to build in my back as my mind wandered and my hand danced outside the car window. From the road I watched the sun rise and now I was watching as it began it’s descent . It was a view that saddened me.

This would be the last day of my vacation.  After coming face to face with my soul for the past several days , I would have to return to work. Often times I lose myself to the hustle and bustle of the work week. Often times I get caught up in the “dance” and to be honest I don’t know if I care for the rhythm of it all.

So, what has been accomplished in the past 13 days, anything? Anything at all?

A remembrance has occurred. 

Creativity is a part of me. It always has been and it needs to continue to be. Very few things in this life should cause for us to surrender ourselves and it is important that I do not allow that to happen.

So, here I sit. 12 hours from now I will be driving to work and for some reason I feel like I just dropped a close friend off at the airport. My re-evaluation of self will bring itself to a close and a new game begins. 

Here’s hoping that my scribbled prayer is answered.

I bounced from web page to web page for a little while posting on forums. It became evident that it would be impossible to escape the latest remarks of Joe Wilson. It was equally evident that the health care debate would find a way to invade my life and soon it was time to close the lid and be done with the internet for a while.

The shower felt wonderful. I was in no rush to leave it because there was no time frame within which I had to work. When I finally did emerge it was because the water started to go cold and perhaps it was time to be productive.

Blue jeans, grey t-shirt and a blue polo … some of my usual garb … add on the boots and it is time to go. I start my car to find that the latest disc from William Fitzsimmons is still in the player. “Track 4″ is displayed on my CD player and quickly I restart the song. ‘If You Would Come Back Home’ has quickly become one of my favorite songs. It starts simple and just builds beautifully and takes you somewhere that you must re-visit again and again, thus I put it on repeat all the time.

Before long I am at a Starbucks counter asking for a Venti White Mocha and staring out the window at the passersby. The sun is bright and beautiful. The air shifts slightly with a pleasant temperature. It makes for a good stroll to the nearest Barnes and Noble.

Inside I find a pair of headphones and begin to listen to everything possible. The latest release from Anna Ternheim catches my eye and it sounds spectacular. ( I bought her last CD ) For some reason however, I am just not in the mood. Scanning bar code after bar code , lyrics and melodies fall upon my ears and the coffee warms me from the inside. 

Before long, my foot begins tapping to the sounds of Blind Pilot. There is always a weak spot in my heart and ears for a nice folky sound. Honestly, you should give them a listen as well as Anna Ternheim.

http://www.myspace.com/goblindpilot

http://www.myspace.com/annaternheim

For whatever reason , I pick up neither CD. Though I do find myself texting the names of both CDs to myself and instead I pick up the latest issue of American Songwriter Magazine. With that in hand and a bit of coffee left, it is time to find a seat in the sun. 

I sip and I read. Carefully my eyes go over the lyrics that were submitted for their songwriting contest, often times wondering if I should submit my own lyrics. Page after page of album reviews are my next target reading material. What would a reviewer say about my own music? Am I good enough? Will I ever get noticed?

Not wanting to dwell too horribly long on this subject, I roll up the magazine and place it in my back pocket. My receipt and coffee cup fall into the trash can while I make my way to pick up a paycheck. From there it is off to the bank and then to the comic book shop to find any issues that correspond with the latest Blackest Night storyline from DC Comics.

From here I text message my girlfriend. I ask her (Cat’s her name ) what time she will be getting off of work. She responds with ” I will call you in a moment.” Sure enough she does. I propose that we eat dinner together. Not being one to turn down a meal, Cat agrees and heads to my place after work.

There I sat in my car, William Fitzsimmons still playing and watching the sunlight on my skin while enduring the stop and go of city streets and traffic lights. Thoughts from earlier in the day crept into my head.

“What if I could wake up everyday and do exactly what I wanted?”

“What would a reviewer say about my music?”

“Am I good enough?”

“Will I ever get noticed?”

“I just want to do something I am passionate about!”

“Why can’t I succeed?”

“Why do I keep failing?”

Basket in hand I make my way through the grocery store. Slowly the basket fills while ideas fill my head about what would make for a great dinner. My doubts disappear as I focus my thoughts elsewhere.

Back to the car. Back home to find Cat taking a nap with Sadie ( Sadie is my dog. Not speaking slang here, she is really a dog.) To the kitchen I go and Cat soon joins greeting me with a hug and a kiss. 

A type of dance and poetry begins as we begin to exchange kisses while working around each other. One of us cleans while the other cuts and cooks and then a kiss and we repeat the process. 

By the time we are done, we have hamburgers with goat cheese, sauteed onions and red peppers with a beautiful salad with various shades of greens and reds. Feta cheese and a balsamic vinaigrette top the salad and cookies are in the oven.

Quietly we sit on the couch. Cat starts with her burger. I start with the salad. Quickly her burger is down to a small bite that she can’t finish and my burger is rapidly vanishing. ( the food was good. ) The aroma of chocolate chip cookies is filling the air along with the onions and though this should not be a pleasant mixture, we are thoroughly enjoying it.

We munch on cookies while I do the dishes and soon we are back on the couch. We chat and cuddle and kiss and I rub her back. She calms me. I possess no status as a singer/songwriter or musician but I do have her love and that comforts me.

Soon , she is gone. Off home she runs to attend a going-away party and to do her homework. ( she is getting her Masters degree.) My doubts resurface.

When all else is blocked out and your identity surfaces, you come face to face with what you truly want in life. 

There is a longing to fill my days with something that I am passionate about. Music is a passion. There is a need to create that is etched into me. The questions remains ” Why do I continually fail?”

Maybe I should redefine my success. Then again maybe that is just me giving up on what I truly want and maybe I should just let it go for a little bit and be thankful that I am in love with a beautiful woman that I adore and tomorrow I will re-visit this question and maybe be ready to take on the world.

The TV is providing background noise and the morning coffee is kicking in. Pausing for a moment, I have to turn the channel. There is only so much Cheaters and COPS that one person can take. ( Yes I was watching G4.) Looks like Krypto the Superdog will have to take it’s place. 

Yesterday I turned 33 years old. In the morning I set out to do one thing and that was relax. This has been a discipline that has escaped me for the past several months. 

The day started with me cleaning out my email. Over 4000 messages were junking up my inbox. A majority of them were from various political organizations, both Republican and Democrat. I have subscribed to both side’s newsletters and after reading headlines and messages I became so stressed out. It seemed as though both sides really have a disgust for one another. This was definitely contrary to my daily goal . I closed the laptop lid and walked away.

Whenever I find myself a bit stressed, I find myself behind the wheel of a car with a good CD in the player. On this day it would be Ingrid Michaelson’s ‘Everybody’ with my dog, Sadie, as my passenger.

We made our way into Uptown Westerville. The destination? Schneider’s Bakery, home of everything delicious for a relaxing morning. No need to look into the case, I already knew what I wanted. 3 chocolate covered cream filled doughnuts and 3 chocolate covered custard filled. Not to worry though, I didn’t eat them all in one sitting.

Heading south on Westerville Rd. , I pulled into the Starbucks drive-thru. A triple venti White Chocolate Mocha was my order and it was delicious. It really went well with the doughnuts and soon it was time to head back home.

Watching the clock, I knew exactly how much time I had before it would be time to leave again. To be honest, my next destination had me a bit nervous. My girlfriend got me a full body massage for my birthday. For most people this sounds like a wonderful gift but for some reason the idea of being touched by someone I don’t know seems kind of weird.

With my appointment at 2:30, I arrived about 10 minutes early. Upon entering , Natalie , the masseuse, greeted me with a smile and had me fill out a quick form. Even though I felt quite nervous about the whole ordeal, Natalie helped me feel quite at ease and did an amazing job. 

Outside the rain was pouring and there was thunder and lightning. Inside my bodily stress was slowly melting. Candles were lit around the room and the music was soothing and Natalie offered friendly conversation while being informative. If you are in the Columbus, Ohio area, I highly recommend The Relaxation Station in Worthington. Here’s the link. www.myrelaxationstation.com .

Upon leaving the massage, I walked into a downpour. The rain was pouring heavily and I began running to my car. Taking cover underneath an overhang, I realized that this moment should be savored . I strolled the rest of the way. Perhaps the rain should be enjoyed and I did enjoy it indeed.

On the way home I picked up takeout from Noodles and Company and came home to eat with Sadie. The food was great the muscles were relaxed and eventually I was asleep. 

A little after 9pm I receive a call from Cat ( my girlfriend ). Evidently she had a long day and didn’t want to talk too much about it. She didn’t want to stress me out on my birthday. 

In times like these, I typically ask a simple question. ” Do you need anything?”

There was a pause on the other end of the phone. The pause is always a yes. She eventually responds. ” Well, it would be nice to have a cuddle buddy.” 

It was a perfect end to my day. 

I can’t say that turning 33 is all that difficult. It is no more difficult than 30 or 31 or 32 or even 25 for that matter. Looking around me , I can still say that I am just as much a child as I was at 10. 

To my left is a shelf filled with comic books, video games and action figures. The Incredible Hulk looks down on me in approval everyday. Behind me there is a picture of the Justice League of America and to my right Captain America and Batman stand side by side ready for battle.

The number doesn’t take away the things we love. The numeric age is not a killjoy. I still get excited when looking at pictures of toys. ( DCUC Wave 12 pictures were leaked yesterday) Comic books and cartoons still entertain me. ( Blackest Night is my current recommendation as is The Secret Six) And as yesterday proved, I still like playing in the rain.

I know no better than the next person how to live life. Perhaps it truly is simple things. Don’t forget what you love. Don’t let the world take your love away. Remember who you are.

Definitely remember who you are.

Certainly Disney wouldn’t go changing our beloved Marvel characters. Hmmmm.