“When I was in the army, they told us, in battle, don’t bother attending the wounded who were crying for help…Go to those that didn’t make a sound. They were the ones in real trouble.” – Eugene in ‘Broadway Bound’ a Neil Simon play

She did get quiet. I thought she was happy.

In the months leading up to that day, we had been friends. We spent time talking and there was a bit of flirting as well. I knew she wanted more for herself than the shitty job and the lonely nights. I thought that if she could find whatever it was that she was looking for, she would be alright.

Our conversations became fewer. This is the case when your friends fall in love. They disappear. They spend every waking moment with the one who has captured their attention and when it came to Adele, I was happy to see it happen.

I no longer heard about how unfulfilled she was … in fact, I started hearing from her less and less. It was my assumption that her and her new found love were doing well. Maybe happily ever after  would be hers.

After a long day of work, I came home to relax. It was pretty normal for me to sit down at the computer and check email while drinking a beer.

I entered my username and my password and was greeted with something so unexpected. Adele was gone. She was found in her apartment with an empty bottle of liquor and pills at her side.

It wasn’t supposed to be this way. She was supposed to grow old with the love of her life. She should have rode off into the sunset. Every day was supposed to be better than the last … not this … this isn’t what was supposed to happen. This isn’t how it was supposed to end.

“Turn the light on and throw down the keys
Kick your shoes off. Turn on the TV
You don’t care about any of the shows
Just leave it on so you don’t feel alone.

The angels sit outside your window
They’re calling out your name
but all those heavenly voices
they can’t drown out the pain

The thorn sunk deep in your skin
Did you find love but you won’t let it in?
Is it too late to mend your broken crown?
Tilt your head back and tear it all down

The angels sit outside your window
They’re calling out your name
But all those heavenly voices
They can’t drown the pain.”


When You Replace Me

It is going to happen. You love someone and then,one day, it ends and while you try to figure out what went wrong, they find someone else.

Almost five years have passed since I first met her. She sat towards the front of the room and she had one of the prettiest faces I had ever seen. Her eyes were bright and full of life and she had an energy about her.

Before long, we would begin dating and I wanted to marry her. I wanted to wake up next to her, start a family with her, grow old with her. Somehow I fell in love.

While we were together , I kept a journal. I would constantly write in it. Every entry was written to her and one year, on her birthday, I gave it to her. She cried and smiled and hugged me and kissed me.

Each page was filled with memories of our nights and days together. Writing to her helped me learn how to love her and took it to a depth that I never thought possible. Even though the writing brought about a depth of emotion, it couldn’t be sustained. In time it came undone.

She said she felt like she was settling by being with me and that she deserved better. I was dealing with a lot of inner struggles, including my health. It all fell apart but not before I started another journal … a journal that I kept for close to 6 months after the break up.

I felt like I had no one to turn to, with the exception of a good friend by the name of Richard, and I really didn’t want to put him out. So, I turned to the journal and I was no longer writing for the sake of love but to heal and forget and let go.

In that journal are the lyrics to ‘When You Replace Me’. It was perhaps one of the last entries.

The song is a goodbye. It is about wishing someone well and hoping that they find everything they ever dreamed.

It is going to happen. You love someone and then, one day, it ends and if you really do love them you will wish them all the best even if that isn’t you.

‘When You Replace Me’

“When you replace me
I hope that he’s strong
Can carry your heavy heart and help you along
I hope he’s your charming prince
and can do no wrong
When you replace me
I hope that he’s strong

When you replace me
I hope that he’s brave
Can stare down all your fears
and drive them away
I hope he’s the kind to rush in
and save the day
When you replace me
I hope that he’s brave

Oh, all that you want and all I’ll never be
You, you did what you must
I know you have to leave
All that you want, All that you need
I hope you find love
Even if it is without me

When you replace me
I hope that he’s kind
Can take away all your cares
One kiss at a time
I hope that he rides a white horse
Wears armor that shines
When you replace me
I hope that he’s kind”